TUCSON, AZ – According to a recent report released by the White House, the violence in Mexico border towns has reached “Lethal Weapon 3” levels – the highest level of violence seen in Mexico since 1972.

JUAREZ, MEXICO – South American pigs have released a deadly, genetic terrorist attack on the world in the form of a swine flu virus. To date, over 150 people have died from the attack and another several thousand have contracted the disease.
Shortly after reports of the attack began to appear, the leader of the Animalism Swine Liberation Force released a video taking credit for the attack.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security convened late last month to reevaluate the Terror Alert Scale due to widespread confusion among the American public. At the close of the meeting a new scale had been created which its creators hope will be much easier for the general public to understand.

WASHINGTON, DC – During his weekly radio address to the nation, President Bush unveiled his Homeland Security Plan stating that “this plan will protect Americans from shore to shore – and all those people in between. Unless of course you are a terrorist, then you won’t be safe.”